Heart of the Matter
by whoa nellie
Summary: 2005 ASC Award Winner. Ever wonder why Beverly leaves the ship at the end of Nemesis? This is a prologue scene addition to Nemesis that was inspired by a challenge on another board.


Title: The Heart of the Matter   
Author: Whoa Nellie   
Series: TNG   
New 1/1   
Rating: G   
Codes: C   
Summary: Ever wonder why Beverly leaves the ship at the end of Nemesis? This is a prologue scene addition to Nemesis that was inspired by a challenge on another board. The challenge involved writing around the theme of deception, but was limited to one thousand words which, for us, is a quickie. So here is the extended version full of everything (an extra 486 words) that had to be cut to meet the word limit on the original challenge. 

Author's Notes: Feel free to archive to any pertinent site. This doesn't fit into any Whoa Nellie universes.   
Acknowledgements: Paramount owns all the marbles, we just have a lot more fun playing with them.   
Feedback is always appreciated, posted or e-mail. 

THE HEART OF THE MATTER 

She walked with a determined pace down the corridor and stopped in front of her destination. Outside Will Riker's quarters Beverly Crusher paused, her hand hovering over the control panel for a moment before finally activating the chime. When the door slid open immediately--faster than she'd expected-- she took a deep, steadying breath and stepped inside. 

"Dr. Crusher," Riker looked up from his packing and smiled in greeting. "Deanna's in her office finishing up some last minute things before the wedding." 

"I actually came to see you," she said. Nervously, she perched herself on the nearest piece of furniture for support. "I haven't had the chance to congratulate you on getting command of the Titan, it'll certainly be strange around here with Deanna and you both gone. Before you leave, though, there's something I'd like to clear up between us." 

The strained, hesitant tone of her voice caught his attention and he pushed the box aside to give her his full attention. "Thank you, I think." 

Beverly sighed and shook her head in resignation. "It's nothing bad just uncomfortable and long overdue. I was talking with Ezri Dax recently." 

"Deanna met with her about the position as ship's counselor here on the Enterprise, didn't she?" Riker asked trying to put a face to the name. 

Nodding, she continued. "Odan came up in conversation and, while the circumstances were unusual, she thought that you would have retained some of Odan's memories and feelings." 

"Beverly," he began. 

"Don't misunderstand where I'm going with this," she interrupted. "Do you have his feelings for me, yes or no?" 

"Yes." 

Beverly couldn't face him so she got up and began pacing around the room. "Why didn't you ever . . . pursue those feelings? You were chasing every available woman in the known universe at that time in your life, why not me?" 

"I learned a lot from my brief time as Odan's host," he prefaced his reply. "I certainly saw a different side of you while I was Odan." 

She flushed with the memory of that night, of Will's hands and his body mingled with Odan's words of love. She had wondered on occasion how her life might have turned out if Odan--the original host and symbiont--had lived. Would she have been willing to leave the Enterprise to be with him? 

"Odan loved you very deeply," he said. "Feeling that made me realize exactly what I was looking for in my life, that sort of marked the end of my casual relationships with women. I'd never really thought of you like that in the years I'd known you since we met at Farpoint Station and by that point, even with a different perspective on you, I felt like you belonged to Captain Picard in a way. It just--" 

"What!" she exploded, not even caring what else he was going to say. "You think I belong to Jean-Luc? Great, he thinks I belong to Jack; does it occur to anyone on this ship that I am not property?" 

Riker held his hands up in a placating gesture. "Beverly, answer me this. Would you really, truly have wanted a relationship based solely on the ghost of a feeling left behind by someone you'd loved and lost?" 

His words struck her with the force of a physical blow. "No," she replied calmly. "No, I wouldn't. Thank you, Will and congratulations on your pending nuptials and captaincy. You deserve all of it." 

... 

Deanna knocked on the doorframe of Crusher's open office door. "Are you busy?" 

"Will talked to you," Beverly stated flatly, not even questioning the inevitability of this conversation. At least Deanna had come to her so this discussion would be in the comfort of her office. Somehow it was less threatening and less invasive talking to the empath as a friend rather than in her office as a counselor. 

Closing the door behind her as she entered, Troi settled herself in a chair across the desk from Beverly and just waited patiently. She didn't say anything, she didn't ask any questions, she just sat and stared directly at Beverly, eyeing her expectantly. 

"It's not what you're thinking," Beverly said after several moments of silence weighed atmosphere in the room down uncomfortably. 

"What am I thinking," Deanna asked. 

Beverly leaned back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair while she searched for the right words. "This has nothing to do with Will." 

"It's about you." 

"My life," she acknowledged. "I've been lying to myself for years, most of my life has been based on an illusion. Will just helped me realize that." 

Deanna tilted her head questioningly without breaking eye contact with Beverly. "How so?" 

"Do you know how long it took me to fall in love with Jack?" 

Deanna shook her head no and shrugged. "You've always been somewhat closed emotionally, never really letting people get close." 

"That didn't stop Odan or John Doe or Ronin from getting into my heart," she commented. "It took me a long time to trust what I felt for Jack but having that love, I recognized those feelings when they happened with Odan and the others. Loving Jack, marrying him was the best thing that has ever happened to me next to having Wesley." 

"So where's the illusion?" 

Beverly gestured around her. "This, all of these years here on the Enterprise. Did you know that I once told Jean-Luc that he owed me a husband? It was during the incident with the Psi2000 virus, but it was what I wanted. I wanted to feel the way I felt during my marriage with Jack and I thought Jean-Luc owed it to me. He actually did just that, giving me a husband in a way. He became something of a father-figure to Wesley and . . . " 

"And," Deanna prompted her after a long silence. 

"With the socializing, breakfasts and friendship, he recreated the comfortable companionship I had with Jack," she finished. "All of the comfort but without the intimacy--emotional or physical intimacy of real love. He pushed for that, twice if you count his imposter, but both times I walked away and I just realized why. He's not Jack. I've been using him to create the illusion of the life I had with Jack but the love wasn't there. There's never really been anything standing between Jean-Luc and me, there's just never really, truly been anything between us. Our entire friendship is based on Jack's ghost--my feelings for Jack. I thought I'd moved on when I initially requested this posting, but I'm sitting here now after all these years realizing that it's been nothing but a hollow imitation of the life I wanted to have with Jack. I can't really move on and fall in love as long as I have this facade of a marriage with a ghost and an acquaintance." 

"Captain Picard has been a great deal more than an acquaintance," Deanna pointed out. 

"But he wouldn't have been if I hadn't used him to build this recreation of my life with Jack. We didn't keep in touch after the funeral; we hadn't been in contact for nine years and I'd hardly given him a thought in all that time. Now everybody on this ship apparently thinks I belong to him. It's not his fault, it's mine. If I'd been honest with myself about what I wanted, how I really felt, it wouldn't have gotten to this point." 

"What about Captain Picard's feelings?" 

Beverly's smile was tight as she gestured to her head. "I was in his mind on Kes-Prytt, remember? He thought he had feelings for me but all of those feelings were connected to Jack and me--he wanted what Jack and I had, not necessarily me. This situation just gave him the opportunity to live it. We've both had the illusion we wanted--a comfortable companionship without the love or work of a real marriage. It's the basis for a perfect relationship if only our hearts were in it, but that's the one thing we're both missing from this situation. It's just not enough anymore. I want the feelings, the emotion . . . I want more. I want my toes to curl again." 

Shifting in her chair, Deanna used the opportunity to sort through Beverly's feelings. "What are you going to do?" 

"Leave, I've spoken to some friends at Starfleet Medical and I'm going to submit an official transfer request today. Ezri Dax might be more receptive to a position here as ship's counselor if there were an opening for a Chief Medical Officer as well. Julian Bashir is more than qualified to run things here, I'll recommend him to Jean-Luc for the position when I give him my transfer request. Hopefully I'll be leaving the ship just after your wedding on Betazed. It's long past time I stopped deluding myself and really put the past behind me." 

FINIS   



End file.
